A Silent Scream for Help (HW # 4)

There isn’t a worst feeling, than the one you feel when you feel nothing at all. Emptiness is such a terrible state of mind, the one that drives you straight to the black hole no one wants to go to. That hole where you don’t seem to care about anything or anyone, because you rather be dead, than being people’s baggage. Specially your family’s. This is not selfishness, although it might seem like an act of one, but I believe is for the best of anyone who has to deal with me. I’m no good for anyone or anything; it’s just how it is. I don’t know who I am anymore, or why I’m supposed to be alive; I’m mentally and physically drained because of myself. I give up. She won; she’s the reason why I’ve decided to put an end to this empty and obscure life I’m living. I don’t expect anyone to understand why I’m doing this, but I hope at some point, the people who cared about my well being, accept that this is the best decision I can make for them and myself. Iris spent the past three days searching for a reason to keep herself alive. She needed a reason to fight for, a motivation, anything that would want to make her stay live. But she didn’t find any. She had reached the darkest side of herself; that side where nothing makes sense, where nothing or anyone matters. She wasn’t scared of dying, in fact that’s all she wanted; to disappear. When Iris was seven she lost her father. She was to young to understand that people die and she was even younger to witness the death of her old man. She saw how he got sick from one minute to the other, and after how an ambulance took him away because he was suffering from a stroke. She didn’t say goodbye, in her head, “they were just taking daddy to the doctor for a checkup”. A checkup that lasted an eternity and till today in some part of Iris’s brain, there is that hope, that her daddy will walk through the door, open his arms and catch her in a hug. Six months prior to the death of her dad, she was diagnosed with diabetes type 1; such a complicated condition for a 7-year-old to manage or understand. Back in the 90s Diabetes was still a taboo in her country, and of course too little information about her condition was available for her parents. This was terrible news for Iris’s family, but they did the best they could. This was a hard hit for Iris to take. Sounds silly for grownups, but at time candy is the most precious thing a kid can have, and all possibilities for Iris to get some, where gone from one day to another forever, or at least that’s how it seemed. But she survived and her father was in charge of giving Iris her medication, poke her fingers, inject her chubby arms with syringes 3 times a day, etc. And even though all this sounded unbearable for a child, her dad made seem, it was not a big deal. He was her hero, a hero that left too soon. Iris had a good childhood considering the loss of her dad and her condition; her mother gave her sister and her everything and anything they needed. The problem was, Iris was grew up with someone else in her head, someone that emerge with the years and now was hunting her. _______ Five days ago Iris stopped taking her antidepressant and the other pills that kept her stable. A few months back she took the decision to go to a psychiatrist because she had become scared of her own self. She had been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolarity stage 1, which causes hallucinations and double personality. It was no surprise for her family that she had inherited these mental illnesses; she wasn’t the only one in her family. Iris had a crisis and that same day she went to see her therapist, who knew she needed to be supervised by someone to make sure she didn’t do anything to harm herself. She called her mother in front of her therapist and told her she wasn’t well; that she needed help. She was such a great liar. Iris knew she indeed needed help, but she didn’t want it, she was fed up with the person living in her head, and the decision to put an end to her life was unbeatable. Iris never woke up the next morning. She lay down in her bed, watched TV and waited until her mom and sister were sleeping to take a cocktail of pills that would give her the high she wanted to feel, before making her heart stop. She didn’t suffer, on the contrary, the last 30 minutes of her life where the happiest and peaceful moments she had in years. Iris put and end to a suffering life that was not worth living. In order to shut the voices in her head, she needed killed herself. There was nothing anybody could of done to save her from herself, because when you become your worst enemy there’s no much to do to make things better.