Get Out (Long Story)

Get out of here!! I’m tired of your lies, your bullshit, of your promises! You know what? Go to hell and stop fucking with me! Damnit Julian! Can’t you tell that you’re fucking up my life? Enough please, Enough! If you don’t love me, then why do you keep coming back? Those were her last words. I had never seen her like that before; completely destroyed, so full of hate and sadness. I wanted to hug her and ask her for forgiveness once more, but I didn’t. I’m an asshole, a son of a bitch that played with her. __Isabela, please, listen to me. I know that I’ve fucked up a thousand times, but please let me explain… __Explain what? Tell me what? Do you want to continue pouring vinegar on the wound? No, I’ve had enough of this! I’m fed up with your fears, your insecurities, your nonsense. You’re never going to change. __I know that I’ve acted like an ass, that you don’t deserve this, that’s why I’m begging you to listen to me for just 5 minutes… __I don’t want to!! Go fuck yourself Julian, get out of here, go! _____ Two weeks ago, everything began falling into pieces. Everything went to shit, and now I’m alone like a homeless son of a bitch. Two days ago I returned from a business trip, and though everything seemed fine, it wasn’t. It’s going to be two years since I’ve met her and now she doesn’t want to know anything about me. She has the worst image of me, and I don’t blame her. I was a douchebag to her. Her name is Isabela and she’s only 23 years old. She’s perfect. Simply perfect. But I can’t love her, not the way she deserves to be loved. __”…Hello I’m Isa leave your message and I’ll call you back later” Isa, it’s me Julian, How are you? Ummm, nothing I’m calling you because I just returned from a business trip and wanted to see you, please call me back, take care. I called her in the afternoon I arrived from Switzerland. It had been a few days since I heard from her and I wanted to see her. I forgot to call her before leaving; I was extremely busy and since there’s no commitment between us, sometimes I forget that she exists. But that afternoon, I needed to see her, hug her, and touch her. __Hello? __Hello Juli, How are you? __I’m good, just returning from a business trip. I’m exhausted… __I understand…. Ummm… Did you call me? __Yes, sorry if it was too early. Did I wake you? __Not at all, what’s up? __Nothing, umm, are you going to be at your house today, around 5pm? __I think so. Call me around 4:30 to see what I’m up to. __Ok, I’ll call you, take care. That afternoon she looked gorgeous. I arrived at her apartment at 5 o’clock. Isabella had black pants on with a White shirt. She had her shoulders were showing and her hair was tied up in a bun. She didn’t have any make up on and that made her look even more beautiful. __Hello… __How are you Juli…? We couldn’t resist the desire of being together so we did what we do best; have incredible sex, like a couple of savages. Perhaps that’s the reason why I never wanted to start a serious relationship with her. It was always more exciting to see her after a few days, because when I had in front of me, not even a half hour could go by, before I had her wrapped in my arms, fucking her. Every time we finished having sex, she would get up and walk around the entire apartment, naked. Normally, she would open a bottle of White wine, and lie down in bed. She would lit up a cigarette and stay quiet. She never ask for anything. There were no reprimands or complaints. She just simply conform with a few hours of pleasure. I remember when I was returning from the office one night, when my phone rang and it was her. __Julian it’s Isabela, Where are you? __Leaving the office, why? __I need to see you. Can you come to my house? There was something in her voice that told me that she wasn’t alright. When I arrived, I saw her lying on the sofa, with her blue eyes swollen, from crying so much. __What’s the matter? What happened? Is everything ok? __Don’t say anything to me, just hug me please, I feel terrible. __ Okay, but what happened? __Do you want me? Do you love me? I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to lie to her but she was so terribly destroyed, that one more lie would have ended up killing her with pain. Although I didn’t say anything affectionate, she stayed in my arms, gave me a kiss, closed her eyes and fell asleep. After seeing her after my trip to Switzerland, my head was mess. She called me a couple of times, and since I didn’t want to see her, I didn’t answer. I’m like that sometimes; when I feel that things are slipping from my hands, I prefer to allow the waters to calm down before seeing her. I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t want to harm her; not anymore than I already have. That’s how three weeks passed by. At times I felt the desire to call her and tell her to come over, but I didn’t because I’m a fucking coward, a fucking douchebag who only thinks of himself. She called and called, and called again. From exhaustion, I called her back and the only thing she said was; “come over”. There was something in her voice that lead me to act purely out of instinct. I put on some jeans, a shirt and went to her house right away. I didn’t even shower or anything. After three weeks, the only thing I wanted, was to bang her until I’d had enough. I rang the doorbell and she opened the door. She had a bathrobe on and was prettier than before. She looked confident; she knew the perfect way to make me lose my mind. She hadn’t even touched me and I was already harder than a rock. __Come inside, I promise that I won’t bite you….hahahaha __ I’m sorry I didn’t call yoy back. I’ve been very… She shut me up with a kiss before I gave her more of my cheap excuses, which she doesn’t even believe anymore. Isabela knows better than I do, when I’m lying or not. __How’ve you been? You look exhausted…. __Yeah, you know work, the trips, everything, I’m fed up….that’s why I like being with you, because I forget about everything when you’re with me. You’re good for me… __You should take some time off… __What for? I come to see you for a reason, right? __What? Julian, you’re an ass… __But you stick around, don’t you? __Go to hell! __I’m kidding Isa, I’m just fucking with you. Come, leave the things there, you can fix them later. We fucked for hours. It’s been some time since I’ve had such great sex, like she gives me. She knows exactly where to touch me to make me cum like an animal. She’s a young lady who knows how to get me in the mood. I ended up exhausted. I didn’t have any strength left; I lied on her back, and I noticed she was crying, even though she didn’t want to admit it to me. __ Isabela are you crying? __ Are you crazy? Why would cry? __I don’t know, that’s why I'm asking, and your eyes are all teary… __ Do you love me? __ Huh? __ Yes Julian, do you love me? do you have feeling for me? __Isabela, you know I care about you… __Then why wouldn’t you have a serious relationship with me? It's been almost 2 years that we are in this Julian, I’m tired….. __Isabela we've talked about this a thousand times and we always come back to the same shit. You were the one who said that didn’t want a relationship, and I thought you were happy with what we have… __Well, I’m not anymore, Julian I'm tired. I used to think that I could have it all under control...I didn’t feel the way I feel about you before... I don’t wanna be like this. When one of us starts to feel something, the games of kisses and sweat starts to hurt, you know? And I’m in an excruciating pain. She left me speechless as always; I was afraid of what might happen if they decided to have a relationship with her. I was not ready for something formal, but neither wanted to let go. I got up immediately, I knew what was coming was not going to be easy. __ Isabela I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry but you know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. __You’re never ready, you always say the same shit, Julian. How long are we going to be like this? Tell me!! another year? Two? Fuck, do not be goddamn coward, you're not a child!! __I Know, but what do you want? I don’t get it! __ You don’t understand? Well, you know what I want? I want to stop being your fucking entertainment. I want you to want to be with me every day, and not just when you want to fuck!! I want you to call me, just to ask how I am, come to see me, just to see me, and not just to have sex, because in the end that's all you want from me right? All this is blowing my mind, Julián. I want to go out with you and meet your friends, tell me that you love me and you make me feel safe. That's what I want Julian. Can you give it to me? Answer me damn it, don’t stay quiet ...! __I don’t know what to tell you Isabela ... She stood up, and was about to lose it; she was hysterical, about to cry. __You never know what to say, that’s your problem; you never know what the hell to do ... Fuck, just tell me how you feel! If don’t tell me what you’re thinking, or feeling, we’ll never get to anything! I can’t keep guessing what's going through your head!! I don’t deserve this. Fuck Julian, I deserve much more than what you're giving me! Please, if you love me or not, just say it, but don’t stay quiet… __You know I don’t love you, I mean, I care, like you, there is attraction and everything else, but I don’t love you. And I can’t offer you a relationship if there is no love. __Love? Love is born when two people spend time on a daily basis, what we live every 2 months!! I don’t love you either, but I know that if we try, we can have something beautiful. __No, it won’t work, Isabela, I know. __ How the fuck can you tell me that it won’t work, if you haven’t even tried? __Shit, because I know. I just know. __No, you know nothing! I just wanna know if we’ll ever have something serious, that's all. __I’m sorry, but I just can’t. Don’t ask me for something I can’t give you, at least not right now. __Not right now? then when? Do you need time? How much? A month? Two weeks? Three? How long do you need? __I don’t Isabela, but right now I know, it’s not what I can or want to give you. She looked at me, and her eyes filled with rage. It seemed she was about to kill me at any time. If I had been her, I would have without any hesitation, after telling her the things I said so crudely. __Then go!! Get out of my house, you fucking jerk, I hate you !! You're an asshole. Who the fuck do you think you are, to treat me like this? I'm sick of you, using me whenever you want. I've always been there for whatever you needed, always. Putting up with all of your bullshit. And you? What have you given me? This is over. If you need to talk to someone, go to a fucking psychologist, and if you want to fuck someone pay a whore!! And from now on pretend I died, and if you ever see me again, act as if you don’t know me. __ But what do you want? Do you want me to lie to you? Do want me to tell you “OK Isabela we’ll try this for 3 or 4 months.” Is that what you want? And after that, what? It will be worse ... __You know what? I’m done, I don’t wanna hear more of your crap, You're an asshole. You're right, it’s not worth it, you’re not worth it. She walked away, and locked herself in the bathroom. I waited half an hour and nothing. I tried talking to her; to try to sort things out, but every attempt was pointless. She was furious and it was obvious she didn’t want to see me. I was still in shock; I never imagined we would have this conversation again so soon. I had my suspicions that things were no longer flowing as they used to, but never thought Isabela was so in love with me. I have to admit that I was also confused; She was a cute, outgoing, and happy girl. But between work, traveling, and the age difference…All that stopped me from giving me a chance to be with her. ____ Four days went by and my head was just chaos. I was worried about Isabela; I called several times during those four days and always got the damn answering machine. I left message after message and nothing. I was being ignored the same way people ignore the homeless, but I deserved it. When I got home, I went to check the mail. I never do, but I was in such a shitty state of mind that I thought maybe, something good could come from the mail. Papers, catalogs, credit card offers, and among all the nonsense, there it was; a letter from Isabela. She always liked the mystery of the letters and somehow, I did too. I threw the envelope on the brown leather armchair in the living room of my apartment; I was not in the mood to read a farewell letter, or claims. But there it was, the damn Manila envelope, staring at me, waiting to be opened. I couldn’t help it and I opened it. There was no hand-written letter, but several printed sheets. Also, a fluorescent green paper, which caught my attention. The paper read: If I sent you this envelope, is not to beg you to give me the chance to make you happy. I gave it to you and you shit on me, as usual. I realized that for you, I was always something that filled you momentarily. Believe it or not, I wanted to finish this stupid game several times, but because of the fear of being alone, and not see you anymore, I didn’t. But like I said, I got tired. I can’t do this anymore, so I'm going. Don’t try to look for me, don’t call me, and just get out of my life for once. I didn’t hesitate to see what else there was inside the envelope. I felt something very strange when I read that part. I was never going to see her again? I couldn’t let that happen, no, no fucking way. I had to do something. But with what balls was I going to call her? After all, she wasn’t wrong when she said I was a fucking coward, because after all, I think I am. I took out the printed sheets inside the envelope and started reading it. Julian, how are you? Hope you are well and that everything is going as you expect. Over here, everything is fine. The purpose of this letter isn’t to tell you what's new in my life. The best thing would have been to call you, or to see you in person, but this is the way I do less damage to myself, which I have done for so long. You may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about.... so maybe I'll cut to the chase. Julian, you meant the world to me; I was willing to give anything I could to make you happy, but you used me as your sex toy, never cared if I was happy, you took me for granted, and I hated myself for letting you have so much power over me, and despite all that, I still love you more than ever. But I had enough and I got tired of all your insecurities, your doubts, your lies, and everything that follows the long list. Sometimes I wonder if I was the problem. I have asked myself a thousand times what did I do wrong, what defects I have and can change, to become a better person for you, a person you can actually love. I really never understood, why I love you so much. I spent entire nights waiting for the phone to ring, hoping it was you. But the days would go by and you never called, you just did when you wanted or needed sex. I accepted you as you are; with your faults, your fears and your doubts. I didn’t care how long I had to wait for you not to see me as a girl, but not a minute was worth it. I don’t even care anymore if at some point you did care for me. I had so much to tell and so many others things to share with you. All I wanted was to make you happy and try to heal all the all the scratches you have. But I know now, that at some point all this it had to end, because unfortunately nothing is forever. I would have preferred that things would not end up this way, but believe me; I did everything in my hands, so you could see me with different eyes Julian. Now that all this ended, I can finally go out without having to think what the hell you’re doing, or if you’re thinking of me, or if my name is passing through you’re mind. How pathetic....I lost almost 2 years of my life because of you...trashed... down the fucking drain. I don’t hate or miss you. I hope you learn from all of this, and know that at your age or mine, is never good to play with someone else’s feelings. Take care and I wish you well, without resentment, without hatred. Isabela After reading the letter, I was speechless, again. It felt like a shot in the head without any notice. I didn’t know, that for months Isabela had been thinking about ending things. I didn’t know I had caused her so much damage. ____ I ended up broken, lying on the couch with a bottle of whiskey in my hand. I spent all night, trying to forget everything that happened with Isabela, but I couldn’t. I felt completely off the planet; everything was spinning, I couldn’t leave things like that; I had to talk to her, give an explanation. She deserved it. I called her thousands of times. At third call, she turned off the phone and also disconnected the landline phone. I left more than 10 messages, begging her to call me back, that it was urgent, but nothing. The next day I woke up with a hangover from hell. I canceled all the appointments at the office and spent all day at my house. I thought about everything that had happened; only a few weeks ago we were happy, or so it seemed. The worst part was, I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to say. Ask her for forgiveness of course, but beg just for that? I still wasn’t sure if it was really worth trying to formalize things with her. What if things didn’t work out? She didn’t need more damage, than what I've already done, It’s not fair for her... nor for me. ____ I found among my papers the phone number from one of Isabela’s friends. The girl named Oriana. I was hesitating about calling her or not; I knew it was the only way to have information about Isa, but, my cowardice didn’t let me dial the phone. But I did it. I called and the girl answered. __Hello? Yes please, may I speak to Oriana? __Yes this is he. Who is this? __Hi Oriana, I’m Julian, Isabela’s friend, do you remember me? __How can I forget you, if you are the jerk that has fucked my friend over. What do you want? __I need to speak to Isabela. I have called her repeatedly and got no answer __And what did you expect? To answer you at the first? Don’t be an idiot! She's broken, and she really doesn’t want to see you. __ I Know, but I need to talk to her, please Oriana, you are the only connection I have to her, and if you don’t help me... __Don’t play victim with me, that does not suit you ok? ... Sorry, she just doesn’t wanna deal with any of your bullshit anymore. What are you gonna tell her anyway, that you love her? That you want a relationship with her? __That’s a conversation I need to have with to her. Listen I know she's your friend and you probably hate me, but it’s really urgent. __Look If I'm giving you information about Isabela, it’s not because I think you're worth anything, but I do think there’s something you both have to solve. So I think she’ll be home around 8pm ... if you go and she’s there good, and if not...sorry. __Fix together? What are you talking about? __For get it, hopefully you’ll find her... __ Thank you. __Bye. I didn’t know what to do, I never do. I was intrigued by what Oriana said; something to fix together? The doubts, fears, and mess in my head, didn’t let me think clearly. I hate having to be in this situation. I swore at I would never be romantically involved with anyone else, after what happened with Carolina. But there was something about Isabela that I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. Maybe her eyes, or her way of seeing life. ______ I reacted after a couple of days and looked for Isabela. I bought a bouquet of daisies, never before I had given her anything, even though she had given me her life, in each of our encounters. I knew fixing things wouldn’t be easy; women tend to have more pride than men, when it comes to forgiving someone. But I was willing to do anything, to get five minutes of her time. Only five. I got to her apartment, sat outside and waited 10 minutes. I was nervous, but grew up some extra balls and rang the bell. When Isabella saw my face, the world fell on her. She didn’t say anything; she was tired of yelling at me to get lost and to stop calling. I went in before she even thought of closing the door on my face, I wanted to hug her, but resisted. __Don’t touch me! What’s wrong with you? __Isabela I have looked for you like a fool, like a damn fool !! __ And what do you want me to do? I've told you a thousand times, that I don’t want to see you...I even wrote you a fucking letter! Why did you come for? To make fun of me? __No, I came because I need you to listen to me...give me five minutes. Isabela don’t be so stubborn dammit, listen to me! __Fuck off Julian, stubborn my ass. Wasn’t enough for you to screw up my life for 2 years? Two fucking years I’ve put up with your crap. I’m done. Just go away… __ Isabela what are you talking about? Are you insane? I never meant to screw up your life, come on, I care for you…you're my...you're my friend, you know? __What? Your friend? Are you fucking kidding me? So you fuck all your friends? Go fuck yourself Julian, and take your filthy flowers...GET OUT!!! I'm an asshole, I couldn’t tell her I love her, I just couldn’t! Again I screwed things up like the motherfucker I am! But what you do when you just can’t tell the other person how you feel? __No, You’re not just my friend, you're much more than that. Isabela, you have to understand that all this, has caught me by surprise. I had no idea what was going on. You never said anything! How was I supposed to know you were feeling that way? Fuck! Don’t throw all the blame on me. __What? I tried to talk to you about us a thousand times and you always had the same answer; "At another time, I'm tired." Always the same excuse. Just go away Julian, please. __No I’m leaving because I still have to fix this! __Fix what? This is beyond repair. __Don’t be so proud and listen! Let me explain! __Do you love me? But not as a friend. Do you love me enough to have the balls to have a real relationship with me? I was silent for a few minutes, which felt like an eternity. Perhaps after all, I fear falling in love with her. I was scared of her leaving me. I would hate to fall in love again and get fucked over again. I'm 31 years old and she barely 23; she’s just a girl. At that age you change your feelings too quickly. Also, I know I'm very little, compared to what she deserves. I approached her, and although she tried to reject me, Isabela ended up falling back into our vicious cycle. I wrapped her in a hug and kissed her, like never before. I caressed every inch of her skin; I took all the time in the world to do so. I admire her skin, her thighs, her waist, her hips, her breasts, everything. I made love to her for the first time. I felt as if I owned the world, and she made me feel that this is "as good as it gets". For the first time in nearly two years I realized she had gray eyes and a mole on her right cheek. I began to see all the details I completely ignored before. I had never really seen her, until then. Having her in my arms and so close to me, I knew things couldn’t go on. It wasn’t fair to her. I realized I really loved her and that I wanted to share the rest of my life with her. I wanted Isabela to be the mother of my children, my partner for the rest of my life. But she had to live. She had way too many things to discover in the world; more love, more partying, live intensely, before being tied to me. Perhaps she was confused, used to having me around…Sometimes you have to let go of what you love for the other person to be happy. I was finally convinced that she was the woman for me. _____ Isabela has always loved her freedom, her space. I couldn’t be so selfish to steal that from her. The night was endless. I spent all night thinking about everything, watching her sleep, dispersed all over the bed with her hair on my chest. I woke her up with a kiss and she opened her eyes. She realized that last night was just a way of saying goodbye. I didn’t say anything. ”I’m sorry” I said with a lump in the throat. I couldn’t say I loved her, but I had to let her go. That was going to cause a lot more damage, than if I lied and said I didn’t feel anything for her. __I’m sorry Isabela, but there are a thousand things that keeps us apart. There are still things in my life that are incomplete, and I can’t give you what you deserve. You deserve a man who loves you full time and not half. My work schedule leaves me with no time. The truth is that I don’t feel the same as you. I don’t love you, and for this to work, we both must feel it. I'm sorry. Her eyes filled with tears. Once again I destroyed her world ... once again I hurt the love of my life. I wanted to run to her and tell her everything I just said was a lie; that I really loved her and would share every second of my life with her. But if I did, I would be a selfish bastard. Isabela dried the only two tears that fell from her eyes. She looked at me, came really close, and slapped me. __ Get out of here!! I’m tired of your lies! You know what? Go to hell and stop fucking with me! Damnit Julian! Can’t you tell that you’re fucking up my life? Enough please, Enough! If you don’t love me, then why do you keep coming back? I tried to calm her, but it was in vain; discuss it once more, but it was too late. The decision was made. She threw me out of her house, and I took off. _____ Although at times it seemed as Isabela didn’t know how much she was worth, deep inside she knew that she deserved better than me; a bastard who never learned to value her. Occasionally I searched through my mess, looking for her photo and stared at it for hours, wondering what she was doing, if she was dating someone, or if she thought of me. At times I came to an uncontrollable urge to call her, hear her voice. But never attempted to call. Ten months went by; I always thought of her, I always knew that she will always be the woman of my life, even if I fucked other women. One morning I was very late for work, but took the time to stop to buy a coffee. In a hurry, I ordered the usual,I took a quick look at the room, and there she was; sitting reading a book. I felt that the world was crushing on me; all the memories began to revive in seconds. I was surprised to see her with a book in hand, she hated to read. I started to remember everything that happened between us and felt the need to go to her, hug her and fill her with kisses. Worst of all, was that she was not alone. I realized that tears started falling from my eyes; tears of helplessness, pain, sadness... At her side, a three month baby girl was sleeping; My daughter. I lost her, I had Isabela in my arms, and let her go. And along with her, a piece of what we were.